If you only knew

Dear Sawyer:

Happy seventeenth birthday!! It is a truly mind-blowing, heart stopping fact. You, my strong-willed, feircely independent, highly capable, insanely beautiful, head strong child is standing in the shadows now of becoming an adult. I know that you want me to let you go, that you truly feel you are ready to drive your own existance and in MANY ways(far more than I would care to admit) you are absolutely correct. HOWEVER that wont be happening just yet..... I have a feeling that the next twelve months will be a serious of "dances" if you will.... Trying to move to the music in a way that makes sense without stepping on eachothers toes. We bettter both bring our game face because if there is one thig that history has shown us- you and I tend to fight to the death to make sure we are heard.

Sawyer, it is always incredible to watch you.... On the court, on the feild, in your art projects- you have always come not only to play but to win. You have a fight and a sheer determination in you that has been present since the moment you were born. You arrived 2 months prematurely(in a hurry to grow up even then i guess) and literally had to fight to survive. It is the essence of who you are. And although I dont always like or deserve to be on the receiving end of it- I always admire your strength and revel in your passion.

You came along before your sister Kenzie could even walk and for most of your life you and she have been raised more like twins. (I think this is to both of your dismays) I think Kenzie would like to have felt that she could do things on her own and truly experience those milestones in life without sharing it with you. And I believe that in some ways I have always held you to a higher more mature standard, treating you like you were both her age and not allowing you to be a little younger and therefore maybe a little less ready for those expectations. The thing is Sawyer, you have never once blinked in the face of those expectations. If you decide to put your energy towards something, you will succeed, usually setting or shattering records as you go. I am so proud to stand on the sidelines and yell "That's my girl!!!"

I know how difficult the last few years have been on you, and the toll it has taken on your ability to trust, to open yourself up, and to risk getting hurt. I am so sorry that things havent gone more smoothly. But I truly believe it is an important part of your journey though and will alawys serve to show you that if you keep your head up even in the darkest moments- it is going to all be allright.

If there is one thing i could ask of you during this last year of your "childhood" - - - open your heart a little more to those around you. Let us in. Enjoy the moments with those of us that truly love you the most. You wont be disappointed I promise- and we will all feel lucky to truly have you.

I love you more than you know,

Mom

I CANNOT believe that April is almost over :(
Time is flying by- there are so many things that just seem to be falling though the cracks......

So much has happened since I posted last- and yet I cant even seem to organize my thoughts enough to post about them.....

I will get myself organized (hopefully) and start posting again regularly soon

Just look at that face!!!!!

I would like to introduce the newest member of our family...... His name is "Thor" short for Hawthorne McGillicutty- - - he just looks like a handful doesnt he?? Should fit right in with the rest of the chaos :)

I will post later all about the details surrounding his adoption!!!

MacKenzie Taylor- Where did the last 18 years go?

Dear MacKenzie:

Tomorrow you turn eighteen.... I have been consumed by thoughts of the past eighteen years for months now. It has been like a countdown in my mind, and in my heart. The moment that always seemed so far off in the distance has arrived(QUICKLY) and truthfully all I want to do is turn back the hands of time somehow.

I know that you are aware of the details of your birth- You know that you were not planned.... But you must also know with complete certainty that I could not have planned anything as absolutely breathtaking, amazingly beautiful, completely perfect as you. From the moment you arrived in this world and made me your mommy I have never NOT had you on my mind and in my heart, you are my soul and as you got older and life got tough you became my rock --my supporter, my shoulder to lean on - to cry on- to just hold close.

You are my child, but Kenzie, from about the age of 4 you really were the most mature person in the room. :) I have learned so much from you, far more I am afraid than I have taught...

I have tried my best- I have always taken my job as your mom very seriously and never wanted you to be at a disadvantage because I was merely 17 when you were born- I spent alot of time worrying about how the world would receive you, would they treat you different, expect less of you or not give you the same opportunities because of MY age. I needed not worry because any preconceptions the world may have had of you based upon me being a teenage mom, you have shattered with the sheer essence of just being YOU.

Kenzie you dont know how to fail. You succeed at everything you attempt and always bring 150% of your effort your drive and your heart to every opportunity you are faced with.

To say I am proud is an understatement- I am in awe.
I love you with my whole heart and though I know I was here for 17 years before you arrived- My life began with the first beat of your heart and I am so grateful for every single moment with you. As you move into this next phase of your life please know that I am here for you, with you, and will always be your biggest supporter, your feircest protector, your number 1 fan.
I am blessed to be able to call you mine-

Happy eighteenth birthday sweet girl-
I love you more than the most!!!!

Mom

Weekend Ramblings

Jeremy and I were lucky enough to get Friday off from work, and I had visions of a nice leisurely day spent together leading into a holiday weekend- - HA HA HA HA HA

WHAT WAS I SMOKING?????


Maybe in 20 or 30 years things will slow down?

It was a great weekend- weather was beautiful :)

The Easter Bunny made an appearance- the kids were very pleased with his generosity- as was I- - - I didnt get a basket but apparently I have been a good girl because Jeremy was given the nod by the HBIC(Head Bunny In Charge) and Easter Sunday we went grill shopping :)!!!

I picked out a beautiful gas grill in a very pretty shade of green and the HBIC only grumbled slightly when we checked out.....

Got it home and set up in just enough time to grill a Ham for dinner :)

The temps Sunday afternoon were in the mid 80's and we summoned the kids outside and assembled a team effort to take the pool cover off for the first time since moving in......

It is going to be a huge project to become "Pool Ready" but I am very very excited to have a pool in the backyard- - - although I can already invision the insanity that qill enevitibly come with a pool right outside our door...... Will definitely keep you updated

How'd He know ???

If you have read my blog at all, you have likely figured out that I believe in "signs".... In the hidden meaning in things....

On Monday afternoon I attended a Marketing Workshop held by a local journal broadcasting group- - - and entered my business card for the door prize drawing. I secretly smiled to myself as i did- only because I have been on a tear of wins lately- typically if i have entered, I have won. A picture frame, set of stone coasters, a book, a free night at a local hotel...... It has been an impressive streak :)

Not knowing what the prize been drawn for, I was not surprised when i walked away with it- only slightly unsure how soon it would get used- and what the hidden meaning of me winning it was.

And so, as I leave the event(bottle of wine) in my hands- laughing that I was walking away with the raffled prize- some random stranger says as he passes by " Dont drink it all at once- dont want to fall down the stairs....."

Ok - i wasnt sure why he felt the need to just randomly say that BUT>>>>>>

Several hours later(HAVING NEVER opened or drinking the wine)

I managed to fall down our stairs at home :(

I have a sprained wrist and a concussion to show for my fall- - -

HMMMMM- - - I wonder- How'd he know I was going to fall......

Reflection

I have a tendency to over analyze, pick apart, and obsess about just about any situation- It is one of the things that I dislike MOST about myself..... I am always looking for the meaning in things, and the HIDDEN meaning. I know this is a bad habit to get into and that it really can be destructive to relationships- and yet I do it ..... ALOT.

This has been a LONG week. I have been picking apart and obsessing about things for days.

And then tonight, about the time I stopped concentrating on all of the things that could be "wrong" and lurking just below the surface- I was surprised with the most wonderful, simple, and peaceful evening I can remember in a long time... For once my mind is racing about absolutely nothing. I am relaxed, I am at peace, I am happy :)

You might wonder what specatcular, amazing, things put me in this blissful place....

A hand in hand walk after work with my man, a very sweet(laid back) conversation, A slushee from Sonic, 2 slices of thincrust pepperoni pizza, and a nice hot bath......

It really is the simple things in life that recharge me, make me feel connected and reaffirm what I always know but forget sometimes to remember- Life is good and I am a lucky girl :)