If you only knew

Dear Sawyer:

Happy seventeenth birthday!! It is a truly mind-blowing, heart stopping fact. You, my strong-willed, feircely independent, highly capable, insanely beautiful, head strong child is standing in the shadows now of becoming an adult. I know that you want me to let you go, that you truly feel you are ready to drive your own existance and in MANY ways(far more than I would care to admit) you are absolutely correct. HOWEVER that wont be happening just yet..... I have a feeling that the next twelve months will be a serious of "dances" if you will.... Trying to move to the music in a way that makes sense without stepping on eachothers toes. We bettter both bring our game face because if there is one thig that history has shown us- you and I tend to fight to the death to make sure we are heard.

Sawyer, it is always incredible to watch you.... On the court, on the feild, in your art projects- you have always come not only to play but to win. You have a fight and a sheer determination in you that has been present since the moment you were born. You arrived 2 months prematurely(in a hurry to grow up even then i guess) and literally had to fight to survive. It is the essence of who you are. And although I dont always like or deserve to be on the receiving end of it- I always admire your strength and revel in your passion.

You came along before your sister Kenzie could even walk and for most of your life you and she have been raised more like twins. (I think this is to both of your dismays) I think Kenzie would like to have felt that she could do things on her own and truly experience those milestones in life without sharing it with you. And I believe that in some ways I have always held you to a higher more mature standard, treating you like you were both her age and not allowing you to be a little younger and therefore maybe a little less ready for those expectations. The thing is Sawyer, you have never once blinked in the face of those expectations. If you decide to put your energy towards something, you will succeed, usually setting or shattering records as you go. I am so proud to stand on the sidelines and yell "That's my girl!!!"

I know how difficult the last few years have been on you, and the toll it has taken on your ability to trust, to open yourself up, and to risk getting hurt. I am so sorry that things havent gone more smoothly. But I truly believe it is an important part of your journey though and will alawys serve to show you that if you keep your head up even in the darkest moments- it is going to all be allright.

If there is one thing i could ask of you during this last year of your "childhood" - - - open your heart a little more to those around you. Let us in. Enjoy the moments with those of us that truly love you the most. You wont be disappointed I promise- and we will all feel lucky to truly have you.

I love you more than you know,

Mom