If you only knew

Dear Sawyer:

Happy seventeenth birthday!! It is a truly mind-blowing, heart stopping fact. You, my strong-willed, feircely independent, highly capable, insanely beautiful, head strong child is standing in the shadows now of becoming an adult. I know that you want me to let you go, that you truly feel you are ready to drive your own existance and in MANY ways(far more than I would care to admit) you are absolutely correct. HOWEVER that wont be happening just yet..... I have a feeling that the next twelve months will be a serious of "dances" if you will.... Trying to move to the music in a way that makes sense without stepping on eachothers toes. We bettter both bring our game face because if there is one thig that history has shown us- you and I tend to fight to the death to make sure we are heard.

Sawyer, it is always incredible to watch you.... On the court, on the feild, in your art projects- you have always come not only to play but to win. You have a fight and a sheer determination in you that has been present since the moment you were born. You arrived 2 months prematurely(in a hurry to grow up even then i guess) and literally had to fight to survive. It is the essence of who you are. And although I dont always like or deserve to be on the receiving end of it- I always admire your strength and revel in your passion.

You came along before your sister Kenzie could even walk and for most of your life you and she have been raised more like twins. (I think this is to both of your dismays) I think Kenzie would like to have felt that she could do things on her own and truly experience those milestones in life without sharing it with you. And I believe that in some ways I have always held you to a higher more mature standard, treating you like you were both her age and not allowing you to be a little younger and therefore maybe a little less ready for those expectations. The thing is Sawyer, you have never once blinked in the face of those expectations. If you decide to put your energy towards something, you will succeed, usually setting or shattering records as you go. I am so proud to stand on the sidelines and yell "That's my girl!!!"

I know how difficult the last few years have been on you, and the toll it has taken on your ability to trust, to open yourself up, and to risk getting hurt. I am so sorry that things havent gone more smoothly. But I truly believe it is an important part of your journey though and will alawys serve to show you that if you keep your head up even in the darkest moments- it is going to all be allright.

If there is one thing i could ask of you during this last year of your "childhood" - - - open your heart a little more to those around you. Let us in. Enjoy the moments with those of us that truly love you the most. You wont be disappointed I promise- and we will all feel lucky to truly have you.

I love you more than you know,

Mom

I CANNOT believe that April is almost over :(
Time is flying by- there are so many things that just seem to be falling though the cracks......

So much has happened since I posted last- and yet I cant even seem to organize my thoughts enough to post about them.....

I will get myself organized (hopefully) and start posting again regularly soon

Just look at that face!!!!!

I would like to introduce the newest member of our family...... His name is "Thor" short for Hawthorne McGillicutty- - - he just looks like a handful doesnt he?? Should fit right in with the rest of the chaos :)

I will post later all about the details surrounding his adoption!!!

MacKenzie Taylor- Where did the last 18 years go?

Dear MacKenzie:

Tomorrow you turn eighteen.... I have been consumed by thoughts of the past eighteen years for months now. It has been like a countdown in my mind, and in my heart. The moment that always seemed so far off in the distance has arrived(QUICKLY) and truthfully all I want to do is turn back the hands of time somehow.

I know that you are aware of the details of your birth- You know that you were not planned.... But you must also know with complete certainty that I could not have planned anything as absolutely breathtaking, amazingly beautiful, completely perfect as you. From the moment you arrived in this world and made me your mommy I have never NOT had you on my mind and in my heart, you are my soul and as you got older and life got tough you became my rock --my supporter, my shoulder to lean on - to cry on- to just hold close.

You are my child, but Kenzie, from about the age of 4 you really were the most mature person in the room. :) I have learned so much from you, far more I am afraid than I have taught...

I have tried my best- I have always taken my job as your mom very seriously and never wanted you to be at a disadvantage because I was merely 17 when you were born- I spent alot of time worrying about how the world would receive you, would they treat you different, expect less of you or not give you the same opportunities because of MY age. I needed not worry because any preconceptions the world may have had of you based upon me being a teenage mom, you have shattered with the sheer essence of just being YOU.

Kenzie you dont know how to fail. You succeed at everything you attempt and always bring 150% of your effort your drive and your heart to every opportunity you are faced with.

To say I am proud is an understatement- I am in awe.
I love you with my whole heart and though I know I was here for 17 years before you arrived- My life began with the first beat of your heart and I am so grateful for every single moment with you. As you move into this next phase of your life please know that I am here for you, with you, and will always be your biggest supporter, your feircest protector, your number 1 fan.
I am blessed to be able to call you mine-

Happy eighteenth birthday sweet girl-
I love you more than the most!!!!

Mom

Weekend Ramblings

Jeremy and I were lucky enough to get Friday off from work, and I had visions of a nice leisurely day spent together leading into a holiday weekend- - HA HA HA HA HA

WHAT WAS I SMOKING?????


Maybe in 20 or 30 years things will slow down?

It was a great weekend- weather was beautiful :)

The Easter Bunny made an appearance- the kids were very pleased with his generosity- as was I- - - I didnt get a basket but apparently I have been a good girl because Jeremy was given the nod by the HBIC(Head Bunny In Charge) and Easter Sunday we went grill shopping :)!!!

I picked out a beautiful gas grill in a very pretty shade of green and the HBIC only grumbled slightly when we checked out.....

Got it home and set up in just enough time to grill a Ham for dinner :)

The temps Sunday afternoon were in the mid 80's and we summoned the kids outside and assembled a team effort to take the pool cover off for the first time since moving in......

It is going to be a huge project to become "Pool Ready" but I am very very excited to have a pool in the backyard- - - although I can already invision the insanity that qill enevitibly come with a pool right outside our door...... Will definitely keep you updated

How'd He know ???

If you have read my blog at all, you have likely figured out that I believe in "signs".... In the hidden meaning in things....

On Monday afternoon I attended a Marketing Workshop held by a local journal broadcasting group- - - and entered my business card for the door prize drawing. I secretly smiled to myself as i did- only because I have been on a tear of wins lately- typically if i have entered, I have won. A picture frame, set of stone coasters, a book, a free night at a local hotel...... It has been an impressive streak :)

Not knowing what the prize been drawn for, I was not surprised when i walked away with it- only slightly unsure how soon it would get used- and what the hidden meaning of me winning it was.

And so, as I leave the event(bottle of wine) in my hands- laughing that I was walking away with the raffled prize- some random stranger says as he passes by " Dont drink it all at once- dont want to fall down the stairs....."

Ok - i wasnt sure why he felt the need to just randomly say that BUT>>>>>>

Several hours later(HAVING NEVER opened or drinking the wine)

I managed to fall down our stairs at home :(

I have a sprained wrist and a concussion to show for my fall- - -

HMMMMM- - - I wonder- How'd he know I was going to fall......

Reflection

I have a tendency to over analyze, pick apart, and obsess about just about any situation- It is one of the things that I dislike MOST about myself..... I am always looking for the meaning in things, and the HIDDEN meaning. I know this is a bad habit to get into and that it really can be destructive to relationships- and yet I do it ..... ALOT.

This has been a LONG week. I have been picking apart and obsessing about things for days.

And then tonight, about the time I stopped concentrating on all of the things that could be "wrong" and lurking just below the surface- I was surprised with the most wonderful, simple, and peaceful evening I can remember in a long time... For once my mind is racing about absolutely nothing. I am relaxed, I am at peace, I am happy :)

You might wonder what specatcular, amazing, things put me in this blissful place....

A hand in hand walk after work with my man, a very sweet(laid back) conversation, A slushee from Sonic, 2 slices of thincrust pepperoni pizza, and a nice hot bath......

It really is the simple things in life that recharge me, make me feel connected and reaffirm what I always know but forget sometimes to remember- Life is good and I am a lucky girl :)

We are dropping like flies :(

5 out of the 7 people in my house are down with, injured, or afflicted to the point of being in bed and needing medical attention for SOMETHING......

I am among the healthy(so far)

I guess it is a good thing- Someone has to be nurse right??

Ack- We need to start triaging in the living room :(

Sure hope this doesnt last for long

What must the neighbors think???

It occurred to me this morning the possible reason why we havent met any of our new neighbors.......

Let's take this weekend for example:

Saturday, in the middle of the snow and the ice and the wind- 3/5 of our children in various stages of dress were scavaging the neighborhood in search of our escaped 1 year old Jack Russell Terrier(Darwin)

We werent quiet about it....

Yesterday, while Jeremy attempted to break into the locked car in our driveway using a coat hanger, the dog was outside barking herhead off and the kids were outside"helping" him, a realtor showed the house that is for sale across the street....... They had a birds eye view of the chaos.... Betcha they wont ask for a second showing!

Our own version of March Madness

So here we are 2/3 of the way through March(ugh)



Where is all the time going(and more importantly WHY do I all of a sudden sound like my parents?)



Ok, time to take a quick check----



Basketball is over at our house(Except for Ethan who is about to start another league)



Softball season is already underway(practices) games begin in a little more than a week.....



Kenzie graduates from highschool in 2 months and 2 days, and I havent even started to plan :(



Her 18th birthdday is in 15 days (how the hell did we get here so fast?)



The washing machine is still broken :(



Although the repair man is coming today- I must admit there was something nice to doing it at



the laundry mat all at once- However probably not a realistic to do on a weekly basis....



Easter is sneaking up on us- How old is too old to not get a visit from the Easter Bunny anyway??

Please Let Me know you were here :)

I have heard back from a few friends that they were reading- but unable to leave comments :(

What a HUGE bummer... I am so sorry. I think the problem is fixed- so if you are out there and reading and havent been able to comment in the past, PLEASE try again!!

Thanks :)

Anybody have a wire hanger?

ARGH
ARGH ARGH
ARGH ARGH ARGH

I have said it before, and I know that I will say it again.... But around here, it truly is ALWAYS something. . . . Today, Jeremy and I managed to escape the house and the kids and go out on a "date".... It was great :)

We enjoyed our time, had lunch and went to IMAX, talked a little about the necessary stuff when running a house and raising kids- primarily the always challenging budget. . . . We are about to sail right into birthday season 5 of the 6 kids plus Jeremy and I have our birthdays in the next 3 1/2 months. Plus Easter, Mothers Day, Fathers Day, One highschool graduation and subsequent get ready for college- - - A second teenage driver, summer clothes, plus all of the stuff we still want to get for the new house....

Somehow- we managed to discuss this, keep in in perspective and come home feeling refreshed and with a renewed energy and sense of humor for what is coming our way- - -

ITS A DAMN GOOD THING TOO!!

I swear to you we were home for MAYBE ten minutes and Kenzie and Sawyer come rushing into our room, hands over their mouths looking quite guilty- and proceeded to sheepishly explain that they ACCIDENTALLY locked the only set of keys we have in "their" car. . .

I look at Jeremy and I can see the dollar signs flashing in his eyes-
To his credit though, he remained incredibly calm and quite insistent that he would take care of this. . . and about 2 hours later- Wire coat hanger in hand , he did just that.

What a good man!!
I love my baby- love my kids- and even though it can be trying I have to admit- I love the insanity that comes with raising our family :)

All Grown UP (well almost)

Just when I think that maybe my kids are growing up too fast, their childhoods fading away in front of me, I am reminded in some undeniable way that they are indeed still CHILDREN :)

Once again, while sitting at work, my cell phone rings and Sawyer's name flashes on my screen. I pause for a moment and wonder what possible dilemma could be prompting her call this time(She only calls incase of serious emergency***) For proof of this, see my previous post about her forgetting her sports bra for a basketball game......

Shaking my head(in advance) and holding my breath- I answer tenatively....."Yes?"

"Mommy"

Ok there's my first clue

"Mommy, we are at the field(softball) waiting for practice to begin and I really need to use the bathroom- Kenzie says she wont drive me to a bathroom and i have to use the port-a-potty..."

"Mommy- PLLLLLEASSSSEEE make her drive me to a REAL bathroom.... There is other people's poop in there......"

I have to laugh out loud- between the use of "Mommy" and the pathetic whine in her voice I am indeed reminded that no matter how much she protests otherwise- she is not YET all grown-up.

The Kiddos :)

Language Barrier???

The costs associated with running a household the size of ours can make your heart race and almost always it enduces waves of nauseau.....


Jeremy and I have had the "stomach flu" since late last week and over this weekend...It takes a little introspection to determine if what we are feeling is truly stomach flu or just the physical symptoms of our "crazy" home life...... NOPE this time, we are REALLY sick.

Luckily for us it seems that when one of us is really feeling bad, the other is at a decent place and can "man the ship".......

Sunday afternoon, the weather was very inviting and after days of being cooped up sick in bed, we wandered down together, hand in sick hand, in our pajama pants and hooded sweatshirts, and sat outside on our back deck. The trip outside was two-fold 1) to enjoy some fresh air
2) to make sure we werent hallucenating.....

You see, from our upstairs bedroom window we thought we saw what looked like a hired yard crew cleaning up our yard. ....Confused, we went down to investigate.

Upon closer inspection we find that it is indeed a yard crew- and as we finally agreed, a hired one at that.... It just so happens that they also live here, do their homework here, complain about life not being fair here and constantly try to renegotiate everything from bedtime to curfew to what should be constituted as an accepatable grade ......

The Kids Kenzie(18) we renamed her Consuela
Sawyer(17) Guadalupe
Bennett(12) Maria
Ian (12) Carlos
Ethan (11) Juan

Were in various stages of yanking, pulling, twisting, raking and bagging leaves..... To say they were happy about it would be a lie- to say that they were organized a bigger lie--- but they were actually having fun..... Darwin and Oliver were out there chasing eachother around, and at one point Oliver spread himself out on the diving board.

Towards the end- the kids(i mean workers) started to complain and ask if they got paid for this...... We calmly reminded them what we pay in cell phones and allowances and realized that we could have professional help inside and out........ Consuela, Guadalupe, Maria, Carlos and Juan got really quitet very very quickly...... No habla english????

All that Matters

Senior Night is a rite of passage for student atheletes to be honored for their accomplishments on and off the court. MacKenzie has watched years of Senior nights waiting her her own to arrive one day..... Throughout those years of waiting, our life took many twists and turns. Her biological father becaame very removed from her life..... Her step-father who she truly loved and worshiped as her dad, let her down in a very real way. A way that ultimately led to their being no communication between them.

The days grew shorter and the time had finally arrived and Senior Night was here. I had always assumed that it would just be Kenzie and I walking the stage for Senior night, arm in arm. Kenzie had other ideas, The night before the event she approached Jeremy and said..." i know it has been fast but we have really bonded...all of us.... you and the boys are my family......." She put her arm around his shoulder and said i know you aren't my dad, but you are MY Jeremy and I would really like it if you would accompany my mom and I...........

And so the evening arrived, just after the end of the last girls home game, and the parents lined up under the bleachers and waited to meet with their student......

It was very interesting.... Some students had both of their parents(obviously still married)
other students had both of their parents(obviously divorced)
some students had asked a teacher or an administrator to walk with them so they wouldnt be alone.... MacKenzie had Jeremy and I.....

For me, these moments right now are like the culmination of 18 years of uncertainty and worry and guilt.... I had MacKenzie when I was 17 and I left school shortly there after. And to return 18 years later with a Varsity Athelete in 2 sports, a peer mentor, a Honor Roll Student, I couldnt be any more proud.
When Kenzie found me in line before we walked the stage, she was already crying and as I wrapped my arms around her i joined in her tears...... When it was our turn to walk we stop and look at Jeremy and he too is crying. Told her that he is honored to be escorting us out.....


and so we walked, and it wasnt Kenzie and her mom and dad, or kenzie and her mom and step dad, but according to Kenzie- it was her Mom and her Jeremy- the ones that give her a family----and she and I agree- that is ALL that matters :)

Getting her wings

A few Saturday evenings ago, We(all of us), Jeremy and I, Kenzie, Bennett, Ian. Ethan, Ya-ya and Opah got dressed up and attended a formal ROTC dinner with our guest of honor- SAWYER :)
Sawyer is truly a beautiful girl and I have always been very proud of her numerous accomplishments with school and sports... she is an amazing kid. But there was definitely something special about this evening. Seeing Sawyer, my beautiful sixteen year old daughter, usually a bit of a rebel, dressed in her ROTC dress uniform- I was taken back.

She looked older somehow, wiser, more mature. She very much looked the part. Sawyer is only a junior in highschool, but she has some pretty serious intentions of following this into the next phase of her life. Either by trying to gain admittance to the AirForce Accademy or enlisting.

I must admit, the idea of this becoming a reality absolutely terriffies me and at the same time I would be ONE AMAZINGLY PROUD MOM!!!!!

Can someone slow this thing down?????????

I feel like life is on fast forward right now!!!

To my knowledge, the number of hours in a day hasnt become less, but I sure am struggling to keep up. I cant explain it exactly, but it really feels like life is a giant blur stretched out in front of me. Like a giant bolt of multi colored light and it is pulling me along as I struggle to grab at it's tail.

Entire weeks right now are flying by in the blink of an eye, I have some monumental milestones coming up in the next few months and I would really like to be able to enjoy this moment in time- If I could just find a way to slow everything down around me....

Until I figure out how to accomplish this- I guess the best I can do is hold on for dear life and try to enjoy the ride- - - -

LMAO

I am sitting at work - wishing and praying to be anywhere but there.....
To have anything other than what is staring at me on the computer screen to think about.....

My blackberry rings and it is Sawyer (my challenging 16 yr old daughter)

I take a deep breath- and hit ignore.....
Send her a text and say "What's Up"......

Phone rings - it's Sawyer again....

I answer "Yes?"

"Mom!!!!!!!!!! Mom!!!!!!!! It's an emergency- I have a basketnall game tonight and I FORGOT my sports bra........"

"OMG Mom- what am I going to do??? I will be flopping everywhere!!!!!"

I dont feel particularly symapthetic- and so I tell-
"Get some sprots tape.... and tie 'em down" :)

Ready to Drop!!!

Sorry It has been over a week since my last post..... (OK I just went back and read that and had to laugh) Who am I apologizing too??? I am not sure if anyone other than my sister and my own kids even reads this!!!

Oh Well-

As I was saying, it has been an absolutely insanity driven, exhausting, chaos - fueled week!! Even by my standards!! I havent been feeling well and even ended up at the hospital.... Nothing too serious but am still not back to my baseline :(

Hopefully the weekend will help with some of that ( although I doubt it) The weekends are usually even busier than the work-weeks....

Have a great weekend!!!

Easier said than done..........

As a mother, I love each of my children infinitely.

This is not to say that I "love them the same".....

I have learned that this is not only unrealistic to think you can love all of your children the same, it is impossible. And the sooner that you can understand and accept this fact the sooner you can get on to the business of loving each of them infinitely- using the currency that works the most effectively with them to communicate and connect in that unique way.

Having teenagers is ending up to be, without a doubt, the MOST EXHAUSTING, challenging and emotionally draining experience of my life.

By the sheer nature of their ages, and their relationship, MacKenzie and Sawyer's relationship is full of drama.... And lately it all seems to be intensifying. If it was a slow trickle previously, it now feels like the flood gates have opened and we are all caught up in the rapids.....

I truly try to not interfere when it comes to their interactions, unless I really feel that one of them is being incredibly cruel to the other....

Anymore I cant tell what is cruel for the sake of making a point- and what is actual dislike of the other person. All I know for sure is that it breaks my heart to see and hear the way they treat eachother- the gut wrenching things that are said......

And I try to not take sides- Easier said than done......

Sometimes all you can do is laugh

Last night the adults in the house(J and I)
Were attempting to have a conversation....things had been a little tense between us for a day or so and we were attempting to smooth things out....

We were in our room, door open, and it seemed like we were moving AWAY from figuring things out ....

And then we were delivered a gift of sorts.....

We were reminded that even though we want to- we just cant take things so damn serious....

The kids, through the mere act of "being themselves" made us laugh until our sides hurt and there were tears in our eyes.....

The older girls were arguing about who was a bigger bitch.... back and forth back and forth- Ian was protesting the unfairness of Ethan getting to stay home sick "AGAIN" ....

Bennett, who at 12, has been in her first "relationship" for an amazing 36 hours was learning dating 101 skills from Sawyer, the last person on earth that should be giving relationship advice.....

The door slams, Kenzie gets into the shower, while we hear the tortured screams of Bennett as Sawyer attempts to help her pluck her eyebrows while now taking over the act of dumping Bennett's Boyfriend via text herself.....

The cat(Oliver) and the dog (Darwin) are barking and hissing at eachother and you can hear them chasing eachother up and down the stairs.....

and then it happened- the pinnacle of the etertainment....

Darwin jumped onto the bed where Bennett lay getting the ancient eyebrow torture treatment and Sawyer quickly grabbed her and threw her out of the room slamming the door behind her.... at that moment, I swear to you the dog turned and crossed the hallway, jumped up on Sawyer's bed and proceeded to pee all over it.

Upon returning to her room and seeing the big wet spot on the center of her bed she screams
"Whoooooooooooo Peeeeeeeeeed on myyyyyyyyyyy bedddddddd!!!!"

Jeremy- his timing always perfect turns to me and says in a very serious tone of voice

"My money is on Kenzie- after their exchange I bet she just went in and squatted".......

I dont think either of us remembered what we were so seriously discussing before that....

And that was only 5 minutes of our evening.....

I think we need to contact TLC- you just cant script this sort of stuff ;)

Makes me smile :)

I really really really love our new home.

It isnt just the house itself.... But also the people inside of it that make me smile :)

I truly love just "being" there......

It is filled with lots of noise and chaos and entertainment....... But mostly lots of love.

Chaos in Perpetual Motion.....

I have decided that life at our house most closely resembles boot camp or summer camp or one of those ridiculously patterned, scheduled, regimented places......

For about a minute before all hell breaks loose....

I have a calender posted in the kitchen with a full month's worth of meals posted.... The kids come in and scan the calender, arguing about what the date is and either cheer and high five eachother or look up at me with disdain if not fear......

Next to the meal calander is a list of our Top Ten house rules.....

Underneath that is our chore chart :)

Laundry is a disaster and all attempts by me to "Stay on top of it" are failing miserably and we are considering assigning laundry days.... Im not convinced- but I am contemplating.....

I love the concept of them doing their own laundry on assigned days- Im not sure the reality will be something I can handle.......

Packing lunches everynight for 7 is quite the streamlined effort- and we definitely have given the term "buying in bulk" a reality check.....

It takes us a full 45 minutes to make the rounds- tuck kids in- talk about their days- and get in a little cuddle time.....

The cat and the dog are showing signs of being gender as well as species confused and they take turns eating eachother's food but .......

There is NEVER a dull moment- hell there is hardly a quiet moment.....

But still- I LOVE IT :)

I miss my son (Part 2)

My sister commented on my last post and said I should talk about where it is Austin went.

At 14 years old my son decided to move to California to live with his father......

To me it feels like he might as well have moved to the moon.

Fourteen years of being super hands-on, involved, truly close with my boy and then in a blink- -

He didnt get back on the airplane after what was supposed to be a 3 week visit.

I miss my son

I apologize for the lack of creativity of my title.

You see there is nothing cute or clever that I can place in a tag line that feels appropriate.

It really does boil down to four little words. Four words brimming with emotion and over - flowing with emptiness......

I MISS MY SON.

Some days it doesnt seem real. Like I am sleeping and dreaming my way through what feels like days and weeks and months but really i am just dreaming and when I wake he will be here, with me. Where he has always been.... Where I cant help but believe that he BELONGS.

I work very hard to not let his absence from my day to day life over rule my every other thought or feeling..... Some days I succeed more than others. But it is always there, just below the surface..... the daily struggle to feel normal without my boy.

Did i mention .... I miss my son :(

Life is good

I am thankful.

I truly need to take a moment and reflect back about where my life was a year ago. 6 months ago. 3 months ago. Even 1 month ago. So much has changed that it would actually be easier to list the things that havent changed. And even those I could probably count on one hand.

I could never have imagined the events that have transpired to get me to where I am today.

I not only have a job, I have a very good job. One that challenges me and has room for growth both personally and financially.
I did not have this 4 months ago.

I have a beautiful home. In a safe, wonderful neighborhood. It is truly my dream home and it is filled with activity and noise(just the way I like it most of the time)
I did not have this at this time last month.

I have my mom and dad near by, moments away, I am able to see them and spend time with them at a moments notice.
I did not have this at this time last year.

I have a sense of stability, the opportunity to exhale and not worry about the next thing coming at me. I say I have the opportunity because I have to remind myself of this reality alot right now. But it IS there. Mine for the taking :)
I didnt have this 24 weeks ago :) (thank you Jeremy)

I have two wonderful additions to my "Mommy heart"
I love those boys and couldnt love them more if I had delivered them myself.
I didnt have them in this capacity a month ago.

I have a wonderful, loving, sweet, giving, funny man who is teaching me about real love for the first time in my life.
I have never had this before.

Life is good-
I am developing an attitude of gratitude :)

Over achiever????

21 days

21 days

Maybe I should have set my goals just slightly lower....

Like say 21 minutes......

That seems to be about how long I made it before my mind started to wander- the voices started to creep into my head and taunt me......

Apparently I really am so accustomed to drama that in its absence I now manufacture my own....

SHIT!

I have to do better than this- atleast maybe I can learn to control what I let come out of my mouth if not what I think all together.

Ok- this little rant helped.

Back on track in search of my 21 days......

Standing on the moon...........

I have read somewhere that it takes 21 days to develop a habit.

I am desperately in need of an "outlook makeover"..... And I know that they only one who can provide that makeover to my psyche is me.

By nature I have always been an optimist- life has started to take its toll on me recently and I have indulged in one too many pity parties and stopped short of taking time to realize all of the blessings in my life.

So here I am- declaring to the world(or atleast all 4 of my followers) that I am vowing to change the way I act and REACT to things. That I am going to remember to "not sweat the small stuff"..... to take time to count to ten.... to "stand on the moon"........

When I am faced with a problem that seems too big for me to work my way through- my mom has often said to me "Stand up on the moon" She reminds me to visualize myself standing on the moon, looking back at Earth. And from that prespective is whatever thats "got me down" even visible. It's a drop in the bucket- Not worth the energy I give it.....


21 days>>>> lets see if it works-

I couldnt ask for more............

I seriously need to have my head examined.

I can only offer my sincerest, most heartfelt apology. And hope in the end that is enough.

I have been blessed to have met a truly wonderful, sensitive, loving, patient man who although he had his life put together the way he wanted it, saw something in me that moved him to be there for me in ways that no one on earth ever has.and ultimately up-end his existance to create a new one with my children and I, even though without exxageration, my life is a complete train wreck.

I have been caught in a real "funk" lately and he has been front and center for the horror show.

And yet time after time it is he that comforts me, makes it ok and tells me that we just need to put this latest episode behind us and move on... happy.....

I truly give it my best effort but all too often i am caught by the baggage in my past and it derails me in no time flat.

Today I really messed up.

I wrote something that I truly meant in one way without even thinking about how it might sound or feel to him. I cant believe that I was so thoughtless. : (

Jeremy,

I love you- I am so incredibly sorry for the pain and frustration I have caused you and I hope that you can please forgive me(again)

I am so lucky to have you in my life and I truly apologize for allowing the ghosts of my past to over shadow the amzaing life we have found together.

I have NEVER been this happy or excited about where my life is headed- Please believe me when I tell you that I could never ask for more.

Looking in the mirror

I want to step outside my own mind for just a moment.......

I can see the outside world- but I am shackled inside
Left to my own devices
Chasing dreams that have died

Alone with the ghosts
Of those whom i once knew
Sorting out the past
No longer certain of what's true

Craving the warmth of sunlight
Cowering in the dark
Rubbing stones together
Just to see the spark

Talking to the voices
That reside inside my head
Listening quite intently
To every word thats said

Im not crazy
Just ready to end the fight
Waging war on myself
Gravitating towards the light

The path is here in front of me
Right beneath my feet
Looking into the mirror
Uncertain of who I will meet

Mirror Mirror on the wall who is the most dysfunctional of all.....

Right now it seems as if with everyday that goes by I am realizing more and more just how emotionally broken the past few years has left me. I have always been self-aware and honest enough to admit that I have more than a few "difficult" personality quirks. I guess I really didnt understand the depth of my dysfunction.

My insecurities will eat me alive if I give them more than oh say 90 seconds to culminate. And I can turn seemingly nothing into a REALLY REALLY big deal in almost no time flat. I truly do not understand why I do these things. It is almost as if I feel more "normal" when I have some sort of drama or conflict AND in the absence of anything like that I will create it. Which of course isnt healthy or reasonable or fair to anyone unfortunate enough to be caught in my path.

What really bothers me is that as much as I know these things and can own up to them- I feel almost powerless to stand up to them.

I wont give up- I so much want to break free from the gut-wrenching pain this inflicts on not only me but those that I love.... I just am not exactly sure how to do it........