Easier said than done..........

As a mother, I love each of my children infinitely.

This is not to say that I "love them the same".....

I have learned that this is not only unrealistic to think you can love all of your children the same, it is impossible. And the sooner that you can understand and accept this fact the sooner you can get on to the business of loving each of them infinitely- using the currency that works the most effectively with them to communicate and connect in that unique way.

Having teenagers is ending up to be, without a doubt, the MOST EXHAUSTING, challenging and emotionally draining experience of my life.

By the sheer nature of their ages, and their relationship, MacKenzie and Sawyer's relationship is full of drama.... And lately it all seems to be intensifying. If it was a slow trickle previously, it now feels like the flood gates have opened and we are all caught up in the rapids.....

I truly try to not interfere when it comes to their interactions, unless I really feel that one of them is being incredibly cruel to the other....

Anymore I cant tell what is cruel for the sake of making a point- and what is actual dislike of the other person. All I know for sure is that it breaks my heart to see and hear the way they treat eachother- the gut wrenching things that are said......

And I try to not take sides- Easier said than done......

Sometimes all you can do is laugh

Last night the adults in the house(J and I)
Were attempting to have a conversation....things had been a little tense between us for a day or so and we were attempting to smooth things out....

We were in our room, door open, and it seemed like we were moving AWAY from figuring things out ....

And then we were delivered a gift of sorts.....

We were reminded that even though we want to- we just cant take things so damn serious....

The kids, through the mere act of "being themselves" made us laugh until our sides hurt and there were tears in our eyes.....

The older girls were arguing about who was a bigger bitch.... back and forth back and forth- Ian was protesting the unfairness of Ethan getting to stay home sick "AGAIN" ....

Bennett, who at 12, has been in her first "relationship" for an amazing 36 hours was learning dating 101 skills from Sawyer, the last person on earth that should be giving relationship advice.....

The door slams, Kenzie gets into the shower, while we hear the tortured screams of Bennett as Sawyer attempts to help her pluck her eyebrows while now taking over the act of dumping Bennett's Boyfriend via text herself.....

The cat(Oliver) and the dog (Darwin) are barking and hissing at eachother and you can hear them chasing eachother up and down the stairs.....

and then it happened- the pinnacle of the etertainment....

Darwin jumped onto the bed where Bennett lay getting the ancient eyebrow torture treatment and Sawyer quickly grabbed her and threw her out of the room slamming the door behind her.... at that moment, I swear to you the dog turned and crossed the hallway, jumped up on Sawyer's bed and proceeded to pee all over it.

Upon returning to her room and seeing the big wet spot on the center of her bed she screams
"Whoooooooooooo Peeeeeeeeeed on myyyyyyyyyyy bedddddddd!!!!"

Jeremy- his timing always perfect turns to me and says in a very serious tone of voice

"My money is on Kenzie- after their exchange I bet she just went in and squatted".......

I dont think either of us remembered what we were so seriously discussing before that....

And that was only 5 minutes of our evening.....

I think we need to contact TLC- you just cant script this sort of stuff ;)

Makes me smile :)

I really really really love our new home.

It isnt just the house itself.... But also the people inside of it that make me smile :)

I truly love just "being" there......

It is filled with lots of noise and chaos and entertainment....... But mostly lots of love.

Chaos in Perpetual Motion.....

I have decided that life at our house most closely resembles boot camp or summer camp or one of those ridiculously patterned, scheduled, regimented places......

For about a minute before all hell breaks loose....

I have a calender posted in the kitchen with a full month's worth of meals posted.... The kids come in and scan the calender, arguing about what the date is and either cheer and high five eachother or look up at me with disdain if not fear......

Next to the meal calander is a list of our Top Ten house rules.....

Underneath that is our chore chart :)

Laundry is a disaster and all attempts by me to "Stay on top of it" are failing miserably and we are considering assigning laundry days.... Im not convinced- but I am contemplating.....

I love the concept of them doing their own laundry on assigned days- Im not sure the reality will be something I can handle.......

Packing lunches everynight for 7 is quite the streamlined effort- and we definitely have given the term "buying in bulk" a reality check.....

It takes us a full 45 minutes to make the rounds- tuck kids in- talk about their days- and get in a little cuddle time.....

The cat and the dog are showing signs of being gender as well as species confused and they take turns eating eachother's food but .......

There is NEVER a dull moment- hell there is hardly a quiet moment.....

But still- I LOVE IT :)

I miss my son (Part 2)

My sister commented on my last post and said I should talk about where it is Austin went.

At 14 years old my son decided to move to California to live with his father......

To me it feels like he might as well have moved to the moon.

Fourteen years of being super hands-on, involved, truly close with my boy and then in a blink- -

He didnt get back on the airplane after what was supposed to be a 3 week visit.

I miss my son

I apologize for the lack of creativity of my title.

You see there is nothing cute or clever that I can place in a tag line that feels appropriate.

It really does boil down to four little words. Four words brimming with emotion and over - flowing with emptiness......

I MISS MY SON.

Some days it doesnt seem real. Like I am sleeping and dreaming my way through what feels like days and weeks and months but really i am just dreaming and when I wake he will be here, with me. Where he has always been.... Where I cant help but believe that he BELONGS.

I work very hard to not let his absence from my day to day life over rule my every other thought or feeling..... Some days I succeed more than others. But it is always there, just below the surface..... the daily struggle to feel normal without my boy.

Did i mention .... I miss my son :(

Life is good

I am thankful.

I truly need to take a moment and reflect back about where my life was a year ago. 6 months ago. 3 months ago. Even 1 month ago. So much has changed that it would actually be easier to list the things that havent changed. And even those I could probably count on one hand.

I could never have imagined the events that have transpired to get me to where I am today.

I not only have a job, I have a very good job. One that challenges me and has room for growth both personally and financially.
I did not have this 4 months ago.

I have a beautiful home. In a safe, wonderful neighborhood. It is truly my dream home and it is filled with activity and noise(just the way I like it most of the time)
I did not have this at this time last month.

I have my mom and dad near by, moments away, I am able to see them and spend time with them at a moments notice.
I did not have this at this time last year.

I have a sense of stability, the opportunity to exhale and not worry about the next thing coming at me. I say I have the opportunity because I have to remind myself of this reality alot right now. But it IS there. Mine for the taking :)
I didnt have this 24 weeks ago :) (thank you Jeremy)

I have two wonderful additions to my "Mommy heart"
I love those boys and couldnt love them more if I had delivered them myself.
I didnt have them in this capacity a month ago.

I have a wonderful, loving, sweet, giving, funny man who is teaching me about real love for the first time in my life.
I have never had this before.

Life is good-
I am developing an attitude of gratitude :)

Over achiever????

21 days

21 days

Maybe I should have set my goals just slightly lower....

Like say 21 minutes......

That seems to be about how long I made it before my mind started to wander- the voices started to creep into my head and taunt me......

Apparently I really am so accustomed to drama that in its absence I now manufacture my own....

SHIT!

I have to do better than this- atleast maybe I can learn to control what I let come out of my mouth if not what I think all together.

Ok- this little rant helped.

Back on track in search of my 21 days......

Standing on the moon...........

I have read somewhere that it takes 21 days to develop a habit.

I am desperately in need of an "outlook makeover"..... And I know that they only one who can provide that makeover to my psyche is me.

By nature I have always been an optimist- life has started to take its toll on me recently and I have indulged in one too many pity parties and stopped short of taking time to realize all of the blessings in my life.

So here I am- declaring to the world(or atleast all 4 of my followers) that I am vowing to change the way I act and REACT to things. That I am going to remember to "not sweat the small stuff"..... to take time to count to ten.... to "stand on the moon"........

When I am faced with a problem that seems too big for me to work my way through- my mom has often said to me "Stand up on the moon" She reminds me to visualize myself standing on the moon, looking back at Earth. And from that prespective is whatever thats "got me down" even visible. It's a drop in the bucket- Not worth the energy I give it.....


21 days>>>> lets see if it works-

I couldnt ask for more............

I seriously need to have my head examined.

I can only offer my sincerest, most heartfelt apology. And hope in the end that is enough.

I have been blessed to have met a truly wonderful, sensitive, loving, patient man who although he had his life put together the way he wanted it, saw something in me that moved him to be there for me in ways that no one on earth ever has.and ultimately up-end his existance to create a new one with my children and I, even though without exxageration, my life is a complete train wreck.

I have been caught in a real "funk" lately and he has been front and center for the horror show.

And yet time after time it is he that comforts me, makes it ok and tells me that we just need to put this latest episode behind us and move on... happy.....

I truly give it my best effort but all too often i am caught by the baggage in my past and it derails me in no time flat.

Today I really messed up.

I wrote something that I truly meant in one way without even thinking about how it might sound or feel to him. I cant believe that I was so thoughtless. : (

Jeremy,

I love you- I am so incredibly sorry for the pain and frustration I have caused you and I hope that you can please forgive me(again)

I am so lucky to have you in my life and I truly apologize for allowing the ghosts of my past to over shadow the amzaing life we have found together.

I have NEVER been this happy or excited about where my life is headed- Please believe me when I tell you that I could never ask for more.

Looking in the mirror

I want to step outside my own mind for just a moment.......

I can see the outside world- but I am shackled inside
Left to my own devices
Chasing dreams that have died

Alone with the ghosts
Of those whom i once knew
Sorting out the past
No longer certain of what's true

Craving the warmth of sunlight
Cowering in the dark
Rubbing stones together
Just to see the spark

Talking to the voices
That reside inside my head
Listening quite intently
To every word thats said

Im not crazy
Just ready to end the fight
Waging war on myself
Gravitating towards the light

The path is here in front of me
Right beneath my feet
Looking into the mirror
Uncertain of who I will meet

Mirror Mirror on the wall who is the most dysfunctional of all.....

Right now it seems as if with everyday that goes by I am realizing more and more just how emotionally broken the past few years has left me. I have always been self-aware and honest enough to admit that I have more than a few "difficult" personality quirks. I guess I really didnt understand the depth of my dysfunction.

My insecurities will eat me alive if I give them more than oh say 90 seconds to culminate. And I can turn seemingly nothing into a REALLY REALLY big deal in almost no time flat. I truly do not understand why I do these things. It is almost as if I feel more "normal" when I have some sort of drama or conflict AND in the absence of anything like that I will create it. Which of course isnt healthy or reasonable or fair to anyone unfortunate enough to be caught in my path.

What really bothers me is that as much as I know these things and can own up to them- I feel almost powerless to stand up to them.

I wont give up- I so much want to break free from the gut-wrenching pain this inflicts on not only me but those that I love.... I just am not exactly sure how to do it........