I recall that very first moment like it was earlier this morning. Thats how fresh, how clear, how solid the memory is in my mind. Actually to be more accurate, thats how fresh the imprint is on my soul......
The moment I was informed (by my very angry mother) that I was indeed pregnant...at 17.
I remember the way the sunlight poured through the bedroom windows on that fall afternoon in Colorado....The way it cast shadows across the wall and the the floor. I know because that is where my gaze was fixed. The wall, the floor, the little "popcorn specs" on the ceiling. Anywhere but in the dissapointed, angry, distraught eyes of my mom.
Funny thing is, I was never upset. I was never panicked or sad or worried.... I cant explain it but it was just as if she were telling me something that I already knew... or better yet that I had already made a place in my heart for. It was as if my life suddenly had purpose.
I just went back and reread that and cringed. I now have teenagers and I would be insanely put-off if my children were to have such a seemingly cavalier reaction to being informed of their impending parenthood at 17 and yet I cannot deny- that is how I felt. How I still feel. It was as if my life's path had suddenly revealed itself and whether or not it was the easy path or the exciting path, I inately knew that it was MY path and that I must own it.
I am much more panicked, sad, and worried at the recent acknowledgment in my life's path. That same little bundle of cells, that unplanned pregnancy, that moment of teenage hormones running wild that caused the little pink lines on the end of the stick, is today my absolutely incredible, beyond words, beautiful, talented, and almost perfect being. My daughter. My rock. My MacKenzie. And she is leaving........ What in the hell am I going to do without her in my every moment of everyday?
Now she is the 17 year old. But instead of telling her that she is pregnant and about to become a mother- I am blessed to be able to drink in a different kind of moment with my teenage daughter..... Every single college that Kenzie has applied to she has been accepted to- most with academic scholarships..... She has yet to recieve a single rejection letter.
I am so incredibly proud of her!! She is everything that I was not. Everything I still am not.
It is a strange feeling to see your child pass you by as if you are standing still. Truthfully it makes me wish that I had been a better example- that I had personally achieved more and served as an example - something her her to strive for.....Wait- maybe I have.... Maybe my example to her was to go and experience and strive and reach for the stars- not because I have done it and led by example..... BUT because I havent done it and that example speaks even more loudly.
