Easier said than done..........

As a mother, I love each of my children infinitely.

This is not to say that I "love them the same".....

I have learned that this is not only unrealistic to think you can love all of your children the same, it is impossible. And the sooner that you can understand and accept this fact the sooner you can get on to the business of loving each of them infinitely- using the currency that works the most effectively with them to communicate and connect in that unique way.

Having teenagers is ending up to be, without a doubt, the MOST EXHAUSTING, challenging and emotionally draining experience of my life.

By the sheer nature of their ages, and their relationship, MacKenzie and Sawyer's relationship is full of drama.... And lately it all seems to be intensifying. If it was a slow trickle previously, it now feels like the flood gates have opened and we are all caught up in the rapids.....

I truly try to not interfere when it comes to their interactions, unless I really feel that one of them is being incredibly cruel to the other....

Anymore I cant tell what is cruel for the sake of making a point- and what is actual dislike of the other person. All I know for sure is that it breaks my heart to see and hear the way they treat eachother- the gut wrenching things that are said......

And I try to not take sides- Easier said than done......

Sometimes all you can do is laugh

Last night the adults in the house(J and I)
Were attempting to have a conversation....things had been a little tense between us for a day or so and we were attempting to smooth things out....

We were in our room, door open, and it seemed like we were moving AWAY from figuring things out ....

And then we were delivered a gift of sorts.....

We were reminded that even though we want to- we just cant take things so damn serious....

The kids, through the mere act of "being themselves" made us laugh until our sides hurt and there were tears in our eyes.....

The older girls were arguing about who was a bigger bitch.... back and forth back and forth- Ian was protesting the unfairness of Ethan getting to stay home sick "AGAIN" ....

Bennett, who at 12, has been in her first "relationship" for an amazing 36 hours was learning dating 101 skills from Sawyer, the last person on earth that should be giving relationship advice.....

The door slams, Kenzie gets into the shower, while we hear the tortured screams of Bennett as Sawyer attempts to help her pluck her eyebrows while now taking over the act of dumping Bennett's Boyfriend via text herself.....

The cat(Oliver) and the dog (Darwin) are barking and hissing at eachother and you can hear them chasing eachother up and down the stairs.....

and then it happened- the pinnacle of the etertainment....

Darwin jumped onto the bed where Bennett lay getting the ancient eyebrow torture treatment and Sawyer quickly grabbed her and threw her out of the room slamming the door behind her.... at that moment, I swear to you the dog turned and crossed the hallway, jumped up on Sawyer's bed and proceeded to pee all over it.

Upon returning to her room and seeing the big wet spot on the center of her bed she screams
"Whoooooooooooo Peeeeeeeeeed on myyyyyyyyyyy bedddddddd!!!!"

Jeremy- his timing always perfect turns to me and says in a very serious tone of voice

"My money is on Kenzie- after their exchange I bet she just went in and squatted".......

I dont think either of us remembered what we were so seriously discussing before that....

And that was only 5 minutes of our evening.....

I think we need to contact TLC- you just cant script this sort of stuff ;)

Makes me smile :)

I really really really love our new home.

It isnt just the house itself.... But also the people inside of it that make me smile :)

I truly love just "being" there......

It is filled with lots of noise and chaos and entertainment....... But mostly lots of love.

Chaos in Perpetual Motion.....

I have decided that life at our house most closely resembles boot camp or summer camp or one of those ridiculously patterned, scheduled, regimented places......

For about a minute before all hell breaks loose....

I have a calender posted in the kitchen with a full month's worth of meals posted.... The kids come in and scan the calender, arguing about what the date is and either cheer and high five eachother or look up at me with disdain if not fear......

Next to the meal calander is a list of our Top Ten house rules.....

Underneath that is our chore chart :)

Laundry is a disaster and all attempts by me to "Stay on top of it" are failing miserably and we are considering assigning laundry days.... Im not convinced- but I am contemplating.....

I love the concept of them doing their own laundry on assigned days- Im not sure the reality will be something I can handle.......

Packing lunches everynight for 7 is quite the streamlined effort- and we definitely have given the term "buying in bulk" a reality check.....

It takes us a full 45 minutes to make the rounds- tuck kids in- talk about their days- and get in a little cuddle time.....

The cat and the dog are showing signs of being gender as well as species confused and they take turns eating eachother's food but .......

There is NEVER a dull moment- hell there is hardly a quiet moment.....

But still- I LOVE IT :)

I miss my son (Part 2)

My sister commented on my last post and said I should talk about where it is Austin went.

At 14 years old my son decided to move to California to live with his father......

To me it feels like he might as well have moved to the moon.

Fourteen years of being super hands-on, involved, truly close with my boy and then in a blink- -

He didnt get back on the airplane after what was supposed to be a 3 week visit.

I miss my son

I apologize for the lack of creativity of my title.

You see there is nothing cute or clever that I can place in a tag line that feels appropriate.

It really does boil down to four little words. Four words brimming with emotion and over - flowing with emptiness......

I MISS MY SON.

Some days it doesnt seem real. Like I am sleeping and dreaming my way through what feels like days and weeks and months but really i am just dreaming and when I wake he will be here, with me. Where he has always been.... Where I cant help but believe that he BELONGS.

I work very hard to not let his absence from my day to day life over rule my every other thought or feeling..... Some days I succeed more than others. But it is always there, just below the surface..... the daily struggle to feel normal without my boy.

Did i mention .... I miss my son :(

Life is good

I am thankful.

I truly need to take a moment and reflect back about where my life was a year ago. 6 months ago. 3 months ago. Even 1 month ago. So much has changed that it would actually be easier to list the things that havent changed. And even those I could probably count on one hand.

I could never have imagined the events that have transpired to get me to where I am today.

I not only have a job, I have a very good job. One that challenges me and has room for growth both personally and financially.
I did not have this 4 months ago.

I have a beautiful home. In a safe, wonderful neighborhood. It is truly my dream home and it is filled with activity and noise(just the way I like it most of the time)
I did not have this at this time last month.

I have my mom and dad near by, moments away, I am able to see them and spend time with them at a moments notice.
I did not have this at this time last year.

I have a sense of stability, the opportunity to exhale and not worry about the next thing coming at me. I say I have the opportunity because I have to remind myself of this reality alot right now. But it IS there. Mine for the taking :)
I didnt have this 24 weeks ago :) (thank you Jeremy)

I have two wonderful additions to my "Mommy heart"
I love those boys and couldnt love them more if I had delivered them myself.
I didnt have them in this capacity a month ago.

I have a wonderful, loving, sweet, giving, funny man who is teaching me about real love for the first time in my life.
I have never had this before.

Life is good-
I am developing an attitude of gratitude :)